BFN

Well, It's a BFN once again. Got the news last Sunday and was so devastated. I am taking some time off to work on my weight then will try it again hopefully soon. I know god has a plan for me so I'm putting all my trust in him and will keep praying for him to bless us.

So, I had my b/w and u/s today (again) and I'm not to impressed. My lining is still the same which is no biggie because it's 9.9 so it's not bad at all. My problem is that they want me to stay on estrace to try to get it to 10, they want me to come in on Friday which is pissing me off because my AF is due to be here in a few days. How the heck are they going to do a transfer if my AF comes, I'm so confused...I told them about this and they told me they always talk to the RE about it anyways so when he comes in today they would run it by him. I don't understand why they are taking so long to get this going, b4 I know it my stupid AF will be here and everything will then be delayed! makes me so angry and frustrated, It's not like my lining sucks!!!!

Things seem to be looking good

Had 2nd b/w & u/s today and things seem to be looking good. My lining is now 7.6 so it's getting thicker which is awesome. I'm going back on Monday and hoefully things will be good to go by then. I'm thinking transfer should be the first week-end in May which is also my birth month so maybe it's my good luck charm. I can't wait for this to all be over!!

Random pictures of my husband and I

Had my u/s and b/w yesterday, kind of nervous because my lining is only measuring around 6.8 and it's day 12. I don't know if thats good or not but to me it doesn't. The nurse gave me a prescription for estrace just incase it doesn't improve, but I'm praying it does!!

Good news-I finally got my G licence, I had my G2 forever so I'm very happy. Maybe now my insurance will go down a little bit!!

Visited an old friend today

Visited an old friend today and it was really nice. I haven't really kept in touch with her much since I have been having my own issues. Actually, I haven't seen much of anyone since all of this started. It's like I have shut everyone out just to protect myself from feeling sad or upset. But, I guess it's time to realize that no matter what, I will always have these feelings, it's a part of infertility. I actually missed her, we were the best of friends for years and years. We are actually more than just BF's, we are also cousins. My Aunt and Uncle adopted her when she was a baby so she is also a part of my family. My husband and I were the ones who introduced her to her ex BF who is also the father of her now 2 yr old boy. It was hard for me because only after about 3 months of them being together she was pregnant, this is also a big reason why I pushed her away. She actually mentioned her son's christening and I asked why she didn't invite me, she told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings becasue she knows how much of a hard time i'm having. I felt so bad thinking that I was being left out, made me wonder if I was being left out of other things too....I know it's hard to be around but I don't feel good being left out either. It's so hard to be an IF girl!!

Crushed!!

A poem I wrote when my brother had his first baby. It was a very hard time for me as he was born while I was recovering from my surgery to fix my uterus, and after a failed IVF. Enjoy!!



She had her baby today
A sweet little boy
Everyone’s excited
He’s a bundle of joy

I smile as I hold him
Inside the tears run down
I can’t let them see me
I don’t make a sound

My heart is broken
I feel I can’t go on
This emptiness inside of me
Is something that doesn't belong

Why am I being punished?
Humiliated, frightened & alone
Why am I suffering?
My whole life is placed on hold

I don’t have a future
I’m just a big mess
I don’t want to be around anyone
I feel to depressed

I feel hopeless, angry & sad
That this is happening to me
I am mad at the world
I want to hide under a tree

I’m reminded of baby’s everyday
At work, home & everywhere
I cannot help myself
I just sit there and stare

One thing about infertility
That forever bothers me
After thousands of dollars spent
There are still no guarantees

Nothing anyone says to me
Could ever ease the pain
And the guilt I have deep inside
Will forever drive me insane

Please don’t judge me
For being obsessed, moody and afraid
It’s only for a short while
That my happiness is delayed